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Unexpected…

Complete, i told myself. God had blessed me with a Boy & Girl and i swore to myself i’d never have another.

18 months of my life i’d allowed and very much wanted my body to be hijacked by these loved and cherished energy vampires…i mean babies. But, pregnancy is a tough road and Motherhood is one hell of a cruel mistress…yet blessing all rolled into one bi-polar twist of love.

Finally, i was at the point where i was starting to get my identity back. My youngest had started pre-school and my eldest could finally make his own pack lunch without packing just chocolate and raisin snacks. The cot bed had been dismantled and converted into a big persons bed and i’d finally mustered the energy to get a gym membership to try and shift the flab and cellulite my last pregnancy had riddled me with! Life was going smoothly, even during the middle of a worldwide pandemic.

Then it happened… The thing i had avoided and been so careful of for the last 3 years…one morning of half asleep fumbling and carelessness with my husband turned into something we very much had not thought out. One hour later i was sheepishly queuing in the chemist for the morning after pill! I never thought at the ripe old age of 33 i’d be feeling like a naughty teen avoiding eye contact with the cashier.£33 later, i was convinced we had redeemed our carelessness, I mean, what is £33 compared to a lifetime of commitment? I told myself, reassured myself…what are the chances of getting caught after one time unprotected and taking the ‘MAP?! No really… what…are…the….chances.

Well apparently much higher than i ever estimated and another reason why I shouldn’t be allowed near a casino table.

2 weeks later, hands shaking as i glanced up towards the first response pregnancy test as two pink lines formed, questioning my eyes reliability, questioning the tests reliability… i didn’t know if i was the luckiest or unluckiest person in the world.

Abortion was out of the question. 8 years previous i’d stumbled down that road, a road i swore i’d never revisit again and then to add more complications into the mix, 5 years later i became a christian and learn’t life began at conception & a new light was shed on the gift of human life. Children are a gift, no matter how unexpected that gift may of been.

Thoughts started to race through my mind. Our home can barely fit the 4 of us. How would we adjust to one more?! We survive only on my husband’s wage, we had agreed that I’d be a stay at home mum and dedicate time to bringing up our two children, could we financially afford another mouth to feed?! My past pregnancies have always been awful, morning sickness, SPD and other issues, could my body survive another pregnancy, could my mental health survive another pregnancy?!

Just to be sure I raced down to the chemist for written confirmation, I needed to see it in black & white. I’d heard of false positives before and was certain that would also be the case for me, so I purchased two digital tests, there would be no dispute in a digital test.

PREGNANT.

The words gleamed up at me in writing so bold it felt like the test had vocally screamed it… I was listening now.

I rang my husband in a state of panic, relaying all the worries & fears flying through my mind. But in an unexpected turn of events, he remained calm and simply said, what ever you decide to do, I’ll support you.

So here i am, barely pregnant, but pregnant. In the middle of a world wide pandemic. Trying to figure out how these next 9 months are going to pan out. Learning that, not all things can be controlled, not all things will abide to my fine (maybe not so fine) tuning. But with a willingness to learn, to observe, to adapt and grow in this new normal, I know I’ll be okay.

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So come and join me as i blog my pregnancy in this “New Normal” society- Scared & Unprepared, but willing to share.

Do I really need to enjoy my pregnancy?

You often hear about pregnancy being an amazing experience, one we should treasure and enjoy with every ounce of our being. Creating life is a gift and we should enjoy it all the more if we are able to conceive without issues. But realistically, if you experience pregnancy like me, especially in the first trimester… Pregnancy sucks! No, it doesn’t just suck, pregnancy sucks BIG TIME.

The sleepless nights, the constant battle with nausea and being too afraid to cough incase it triggers your gag reflex. All the foods you use to like, your body now rejects, the hunger pangs, the timing of every mouthful of food so you can avoid the onset of vomitting. Getting to hot makes you feel bad, being too cold makes you feel bad. The stretching pains, the skin changes, your mental health being tested, crying at adverts or flying off the handle because you don’t have the right food in your body is craving… It’s a real test of character and I must say, being 8 weeks pregnant, I feel defeated right now.

It turns me into a vulnerable, negative, brat. So much so, I find myself hard to tolerate. I want to enjoy it, I want to appreciate the amazing thing my body is doing, I want to feel positive and glow with good vibes and positive energy, but instead I’m a negative Nancy wanting nothing more than the first trimester to be over.

I imagine myself to be some sort of energy vampire, sucking out the fun from every room I enter. I can even see family getting drained by my grey appearance and lounging around and bad attitude, but the more I try and pull myself out of this rut, the lower and more dejected and frustrated I feel.

This isn’t depression, it’s just me finding the first trimester very hard to tolerate and the more I come to fight it, the more defeated I feel. So I’ve come to the conclusion, it’s okay to hate being pregnant, it’s okay to feel defeated and down and to not enjoy the changes your body is going through. Realistically, who enjoys feeling sick everyday? It’s draining! I can’t even travel for 5 minutes in the car without feeling terrible, who would enjoy that?

There is too much peer pressure to appreciate thing’s when in reality, during that storm, you can’t see the silver lining, and that’s okay. If it is making others feel uncomfortable, it’s not your job to make them feel better. That’s how I see it anyway, if they sailed through pregnancy, good for them! If they didn’t, then maybe a little empathy wouldn’t go a miss. But to try and make out you are enjoying something because otherwise you look an ungrateful person, who doesn’t appreciate the gift you have been given and their are others who would love to be in your position but can’t, that maybe so, but again, be real with yourself and don’t adhere to what others expect you to act like because it’s how they believe you should act- that’s being fake and if people expect you to be fake again to make them feel better, that’s not your problem.

So no, you don’t need to enjoy pregnancy. It doesn’t make you a bad person, nor does it make you ungrateful for what you have been given. It makes you human, not everyone enjoys or tolerates the same things, what is joyous to one person could be a nightmare to the other. We are individual and every pregnancy is unique & if you are hating your first trimester right now, welcome to the club! Thank you for being honest and we’ll get through this together.

Early pregnancy scan and hemorrhage….

So, today I went to my EPU (early pregnancy unit) for a viability scan. My doctor, who has been a gem! Sorted out an appointment after realising I had conceived after a failed prevention (MAP)

My husband managed to attend too, so that grounded me and put me at ease as I wasn’t quite sure what to expect.

The lady who did my internal ultrasound was lovely. She talked me through the whole process and even when she saw things that concerned her, she told me about them and reassured me.

So what did we see? Well, the baby, thankfully, is developing where it is meant to, which is obviously a big relief. I am too early for the ultrasound to detect a heartbeat, but embro and yok sack where visable! Just the ONE baby, which again, another big relief! But, what she did pick up on was a small hemorrhage called a subchorionic hemorrhage near the womb which measured at 1cc.

subchorionic bleed (also known as a subchorionic hematoma) is the accumulation of blood between the uterine lining and the chorion (the outer fetal membrane, next to the uterus) or under the placenta itself. It can cause light to heavy spotting or bleeding, but it may not.

So this means I will have to go back next week to keep an eye on the bleed and also to see if little bean gets a heartbeat!

So my next post will be next week updating if this pregnancy is viable. The only thing encouraging me right now is the fact I have started with horrible all day nausea, so I know my HCG levels are rising as expected!

Love & Baby dust to all ✨

I took the Ella One Morning After Pill & still got pregnant…

What’s the saying? The only two thing’s guaranteed in life are Death & Taxes? Well, the older I am getting, the more I am starting to realise this truth. No matter how much I plan and try to navigate my way through this crazy journey called life, there are always going to be unexpected curve balls and paths I didn’t anticipate going down.

I’d never taken this pill before and whether it was a miscalculation on my part, or mother nature deciding a very different plan for my life, the pill failed. which according to the stats is 9 in 1000 women.

Covid has interrupted a lot of things & one on one communication is one of them. The day I needed to get the pill, instead of speaking to a pharmacist directly, I decided to buy the pill online before hand and then go and collect from the store as soon as they notified me it was ready to collect. I thought this would be the safest and quickest option for everyone involved.

In order to get the right treatment for my pill, I had to put in when my last period was and when I’d last had unprotected sex. The computer then matched me to the pill that was going to be most effect, Ella One and at £33, it was also the most expensive! This didn’t bother me though, it was through our carelessness that we where in this situation and I was grateful for the options available!

As soon as I received the pill I took it. I felt a little nauseous the next few days as it stays in your system for up to 5 days and delays your ovulation, but evidently, I must have already ovulated? And the pill in essence was a waste of time.

A nagging feeling told me to keep the pill directions just incase anything was to happen, but I thought my chances would be quite low. With my first two children it took me 6 months with both to get pregnant and with this being the first and only time in a month I thought I’d definitely of dodged a bullet.

I was in fact, very wrong.

So after registering my pregnancy with Ella One ( for data purposes which is encouraged on there sheet, I am assuming to keep record of there pills affectivity) I have also read I need to get an examination with a doctor to check the pregnancy is developing in the correct place.

So fingers crossed everything is okay and little bean, although a suprise and shock, is growing in the right place. Sometimes the best things in life are ones that are unexpected! I will keep you upto date with the outcome.

Mini victory, but not quite out the waters just yet…

It’s not every night I receive an email that fills me with dread! Usually most email’s I receive are off a stranger from Zimbabwe with poor English grammar telling me my long lost uncle Silas has left me his inheritance and all I have to do is send over my bank details to enjoy his hard earned cash. What can I say, blessed I guess….

But last night, in the dead of night, 20 minutes before the witching hour, an email pinged through that made my stomach leap with anticipation, no, it wasn’t that I was unknowingly sitting on a fortune if I just send some stranger my bank details. It was something far more intriguing… my test results from my recent Corona virus test had arrived (Read here)

BFN!!! (big fat negative)

A confliction of feelings rushed through my body. One part of me glad that baby bean and I are ok, but another part of me worried I still may have the virus brewing inside my body – not rearing it’s ugly head yet.

I’ve been told to continue isolating for 14 day’s from the last point of contact with my friend who has the virus, which I will happily abide by. You don’t have to tell me twice to stay indoors and relax.

But now I am praying that I REALLY AM virus free and this isn’t some sort of calm before the storm, false sense of security, another suprise positive.

So for now I will be thankful for my health, my house & my immune system. 💪 let’s pray i make this through Unscathed!!

Clear blue digital with week predictor-unpacked!

Since my very first viable pregnancy (my first pregnancy ended in miscarriage) I’ve been addicted to taking pregnancy tests.

Along the way I’ve picked up a few favourites that, for me at least, have always been accurate and trustworthy.

But my FAVOURITE by far is the ‘ ClearBlue Digital test with weeks indicator ‘ I love the fact that not only does it give me a black and white answer, but also if pregnant, tells me how far I am and another added bonus, If my HCG levels are rising like they should.

Since being an obsessive pee on a stick addict! not only do I love taking these tests, I also love taking them apart! And I know ( and I think like any other anxious mummy to be or trying to conceive couple) I am not alone in that. In fact, after a quick Google, I can see lot’s of desperate for answers momma’s doing the same thing.

So I thought I’d show you my dismantled positive clear blue test and explain what the test strips mean. If the pregnancy successfully continues, I will update with the growing weeks and strip results!

So this is the test result from today. I am currently 4 weeks pregnant excatly.
My HCG levels will still be very low (probably about 10) but will be expected to double every two days. The pregnant sign came up before the week indicator and the weeks followed about 20 seconds later
And here are the strips side by side. The paler result is indicating I am pregnant, but as you can see by how faint that line, it is still very early days. The bottom line is the high sensitivity strip so this indicates I am pregnant and is darker due to sensitivity of it.
Here is an explanation of what the inside of the test does.

And here are the HCG levels needed for your week indicator to increase!

It was actually using these tests in my very first pregnancy that indicated to me my pregnancy wasn’t going to be successful. At 6 Weeks my test was still showing 1-2 weeks and I knew my HCG levels where not rising the way they should. Although upsetting the blow wasn’t as bad as it would of been if I was blissfully unaware.

Update: 2-3 week test results

This is taken 2 days since my missed period. My HCG levels are rising fast! Which would explain the early onset of nausea.

Still not much of a dark second line that indicates the weeks, but the level has rose enough for the the week indicator to push me along to the second week. You can see a comparison between the test lines here. The newest test being the ones on the left.
Achieved at 5 weeks excatly
The lines are all similar colour now as the HCG level has risen

So there you have it. I know how anxious pregnancy is, especially for first time mom’s, or trying to conceive after loss.

But hopefully this will explain what those darn test result inside mean (it is advised not to dismantle it due to people confused by the results, as usually no matter what, even with a negative, you will still get one dark line and TWO very faint lines)

Too often I see people searching for clarity on the meaning of the lines inside these tests, so I’ll happily be a willing subject to show and explain.

Happy peeing & baby dust to all!

Tis the season to be SPOOKED!

It’s been 3 days since I found out I am expecting again!

3 days of mentally preparing myself for the next few months to come. The thought of having to take prenatal tablets again is already triggering my gag reflex, why do they have to make them so big?? Do they not realise even the slightest smell can make us hug the toilet for days on end, let alone having to swallow a tablet the size of a small boat.

3 days of thinking the biggest suprise I could prepare myself for had already graced itself, but I was wrong! I think this is becoming a common theme.

Yesterday morning I received a text that sent my anxiety into overload- I had been exposed to someone close to me who has tested positive for coronavirus and was told to self isolate for 14 days.

October really is spooky season!!

So now my children have been pulled out of school while we self isolate until after half term. My son is thrilled, my daughter knows no different, I on the other hand, want to pull my hair out as I listen to them fight over every possible thing they can.

I drove to the nearest test center as soon as I found out, I didn’t want to chance a thing. Given the current circumstances and the fact I’d been slightly coughing this last week (although I put it down to anxiety of finding out I was pregnant) I thought it would be beneficial to know if I had the virus or not.

My eyes watered and I gagged something rotten as the mini toilet brush like swab rubbed against my tonsils. Eyes streaming as I tried to do this for 10 seconds and then another 15 seconds as I pushed it around my nose making me sneeze and flinch.

It was a surreal experience watching other cars pull up and have to do the same thing. My son giggled in the back as he watched myself and others tackle our tonsils and be defeated by our built in reflexes. The lady in the car next to us was having a terrible time doing her swab. Much to my son’s amusement as I shouted at him to give her some privacy.

So now we are locked in for 14 days, but if it means keeping myself and others safe I am happy to abide! Not sure my weight will appreciate 14 days of netflix and chill, but I guess rest in these next coming months are a luxury worth taking advantage of.

I would be very surprised if the test did come back positive…but given my track record I think it’s best to expect the unexpected.