Complete, i told myself. God had blessed me with a Boy & Girl and i swore to myself i’d never have another.
18 months of my life i’d allowed and very much wanted my body to be hijacked by these loved and cherished energy vampires…i mean babies. But, pregnancy is a tough road and Motherhood is one hell of a cruel mistress…yet blessing all rolled into one bi-polar twist of love.
Finally, i was at the point where i was starting to get my identity back. My youngest had started pre-school and my eldest could finally make his own pack lunch without packing just chocolate and raisin snacks. The cot bed had been dismantled and converted into a big persons bed and i’d finally mustered the energy to get a gym membership to try and shift the flab and cellulite my last pregnancy had riddled me with! Life was going smoothly, even during the middle of a worldwide pandemic.
Then it happened… The thing i had avoided and been so careful of for the last 3 years…one morning of half asleep fumbling and carelessness with my husband turned into something we very much had not thought out. One hour later i was sheepishly queuing in the chemist for the morning after pill! I never thought at the ripe old age of 33 i’d be feeling like a naughty teen avoiding eye contact with the cashier.£33 later, i was convinced we had redeemed our carelessness, I mean, what is £33 compared to a lifetime of commitment? I told myself, reassured myself…what are the chances of getting caught after one time unprotected and taking the ‘MAP?! No really… what…are…the….chances.
Well apparently much higher than i ever estimated and another reason why I shouldn’t be allowed near a casino table.
2 weeks later, hands shaking as i glanced up towards the first response pregnancy test as two pink lines formed, questioning my eyes reliability, questioning the tests reliability… i didn’t know if i was the luckiest or unluckiest person in the world.
Abortion was out of the question. 8 years previous i’d stumbled down that road, a road i swore i’d never revisit again and then to add more complications into the mix, 5 years later i became a christian and learn’t life began at conception & a new light was shed on the gift of human life. Children are a gift, no matter how unexpected that gift may of been.
Thoughts started to race through my mind. Our home can barely fit the 4 of us. How would we adjust to one more?! We survive only on my husband’s wage, we had agreed that I’d be a stay at home mum and dedicate time to bringing up our two children, could we financially afford another mouth to feed?! My past pregnancies have always been awful, morning sickness, SPD and other issues, could my body survive another pregnancy, could my mental health survive another pregnancy?!
Just to be sure I raced down to the chemist for written confirmation, I needed to see it in black & white. I’d heard of false positives before and was certain that would also be the case for me, so I purchased two digital tests, there would be no dispute in a digital test.
The words gleamed up at me in writing so bold it felt like the test had vocally screamed it… I was listening now.
I rang my husband in a state of panic, relaying all the worries & fears flying through my mind. But in an unexpected turn of events, he remained calm and simply said, what ever you decide to do, I’ll support you.
So here i am, barely pregnant, but pregnant. In the middle of a world wide pandemic. Trying to figure out how these next 9 months are going to pan out. Learning that, not all things can be controlled, not all things will abide to my fine (maybe not so fine) tuning. But with a willingness to learn, to observe, to adapt and grow in this new normal, I know I’ll be okay.
So come and join me as i blog my pregnancy in this “New Normal” society- Scared & Unprepared, but willing to share.